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Beware of Blondes!
So, of all the airports in the world who walks into mine? No, not Debbie Harry but another lookalike as she was in the 80's. Turns out to be 'T' who is amongst the group l'm taking to Bulgaria. She has a sense of humour that has no restraints whatsoever and no-one is safe from it, including herself. The blonde jokes were in abundance. My sides still hurt from laughing and when she does her impersonation of Patsy out of Absolutely Fabulous l defy anyone not to laugh.
On the last night we were in a bar and the waiter had taken a shine to her and when it came to the end of the evening he told her that she was the most beautiful woman that had ever been into his bar and he'd never forget her. When we paid the bill and were about to leave, one of the group commented on how the waiter would never forget her. Another quipped in that he probably says that to all the girls and wouldn't remember any of them. With that, 'T' said 'Oh, he'll remember me alright' and reached under her skirt and took her knickers off and left the miniscule black lace item on the table! (I like to think l pay attention to detail)
l don't think l've stopped laughing the whole trip and neither did the rest of the group. She is a hairdresser by profession and to all intents and purposes comes over as the typical blonde ... except that couldn't be further from the truth.
'T', as she calls herself and is the ultimate abbreviation of her christian name, is very intelligent and well educated. She's a hairdresser because she simply wants to be and not because that is all she could do. She runs her own business and is very successful at it. What is more important is that 'T' is extremely happy and content with life and lives it to the full.
Earlier we had all met up and gone through everyones' documentation, figures and how to handle the questioning if the situation arose. 'T' picks up and remembers everything and l do mean everything.
The next day we assembled at Sofia Airport for our return to the UK. We had no problems with Customs there and everyone's baggage went through that held their purchases. 'T' had 42 cartons of cigarettes which in HMRC language is 8,400 ... their guidelines state 3,200. Upon arrival in the UK, everyone got their luggage off the carousel and made for the exit.One of our group got stopped. Yes, you've guessed it ... 'T'. To be perfectly truthful l think most males in the HMRC would've stopped her but l digress. What follows is transcript excerpts from the incident.
HMRC ... Excuse me but would you please step into this area for a moment?
'T' ... Who are you?
HMRC ... Pardon
'T' ... l'm certain you heard me the first time. Who are you?
The HMRC officer identified himself and. 'T' then went into the secure area. The HMRC officer then rolled out the statutory statement they give about restricted items, is this your bag, did you pack it yourself and so on. Finally and inevitably he reached question about whether she had cigarettes or not. She replied she had 42 cartons. He then asked her if she would mind opening the suitcase. She replied that she did mind but would open it. The HMRC officer then took out the 42 cartons and then proceeded to further search the bag.
'T' ... What are you doing?
HMRC ... I'm searching your bag
'T' ... You can see plainly there's no more cigarettes in there or do you just want to go through my dirty underwear to embarrass me?
HMRC ... mumble, no l ...
'T' .... Would you like a stranger going through your wife's underwear? Maybe find her vibrator? l'll save you the trouble, it's in that black bag there.
HMRC ... No, no that isn't it, you misunderstand. l am ...
'T' ... l do not misunderstand! You are going through my clothes and knickers where you expect to find what exactly? Certainly isn't cigarettes so what is it? Do you think l'm carrying drugs, is that it?
HMRC ... No, l don't suspect you of drugs l'm ...
'T' ... Then stop it ... now.
He did stop searching the suitcase whereupon 'T' started repacking it!
HMRC ... Err, l've just got to ask you a few more questions
'T' ... Excuse me. l've told you these cigarettes are mine. l'm doing absolutely nothing illegal and you want to ask me more questions?
HMRC ... It's just a formality. Trust me, it won't take ...
'T' .... Trust you? (little laugh) l don't trust you at all. My ex was one of you people and he was the biggest vicious, lying, corrupt bully that l've ever come across. He never paid for any of his cigarettes .... wonder how he did that? ... and you want me to trust you? Well ...
HMRC ... Please, please just calm down a moment. l ...
'T' ... I am calm.
HMRC ... Yes, ok. lf you'd just let me talk for a moment. l just need to .....
'T' ... l know exactly what you need. You need me to answer more of your questions in the hope l'll messup. Well l won't because there's nothing to messup. The facts are ...
HMRC ... If you'd just let me talk.
'T' .... No, you listen to what l've got to say and then l'll listen to you. l'm self-employed and earn over £50k a year as your own tax records will show. l own my own house and car ... a Mercedes. l bought approx a years supply of cigarettes that will save me just short of 2 thousand pounds ... simple business sense. I do have a receipt for them albeit in Cyrillic. l have money and savings in the bank. l have travelled abroad recently but to the Caribbean and USA as can be seen by my passport. I smoke on average 20 a day and l am not going to sell any of cigarettes and neither am l a trader. lf you wish to continue questioning me, l will write everything down in my notebook unless you have recording facilities. lf not, my shorthand averages at 120 words per minute which will be perfectly adequate. Now, what were you wanting to say?
From here the interview quite rapidly becomes chatty and friendly. Apologies were eventually exchanged and general chit-chat ensued about professions, kids, holidays and such. 'T' turned on the charm and the day was won.
Was it a real victory or was it just a man taking the opportunity to engage and talk to a gorgeous woman? l really don't know, and if it was just to chat to her who could blame him? Certainly not me. She really is a formidable force ... beauty and brains.She didn't handle the stop the way we discussed, she adapted it to suit herself when she thought he'd gone too far and all credit to her. l doubt she needs our services in the future as she's a natural ( no jokes please) who is able to look after herself perfectly well but l hope she tags along anyway. We have each others contact details but don't tell Mrs SH :)
'T', l take my hat off to you (you can take off whatever you wish!) There is a special edition Mercedes emblem that is just perfect for you and your Mercedes SLK. You should get this.
Thanks 'T' for a truly entertaining trip ... we won't forget you! :)